Long story short…
Short story long…
“I’m really trying my best to make it through this hard knock life. Why does a poor little sixteen-year old Me have to work soooo hard? There’s always school day in and day out, with all this homework to do and constant studying for Friday history tests. Every so often, I’ve got to keep up livin’! You know the drill, buy my groceries, get dental,appointments or even keep a roof over my head in case there’s hail.”
“There’s only one thing I can do, and that’s is to Get. A. JOB! I could be employed as a ‘hop’ someday, but I won’t be coming to a drive-in burger joint that closed down too many years ago…”
“Where will I apply for it? At the run-down local shopping mall that has a 95% vacancy rate. This place looks like 1989 with vibrant Miami Vice-looking colors, when it was very popular by the time those New Kids On The Block ruled the radio. That food court is reduced to one tenant serving nothing but turkey and gravy. I’m not sure why this sad and lonely place is still open, but there’s hardly an interesting store left that’s ever really open!”
“I remember going to Patty’s Pretzels when I was six because it was my favorite hangout for a rich-tasting chocolate-dipped pretzel that would give me a very messy face requiring ten napkins. Such were the good old days! And now that they’re permanently gone for good, I was surprised to discover the U.S. Army took over that same retail space for a temporary recruitment office. Lo and behold, there was a ‘Help Wanted’ sign. I said to myself, ‘why not be all you can be and just go for it!’.”
“I’m actually looking for a gig at the Army such as working with computers. I’ve got the literacy skills straight out of high school, you know. A-plus baby! Maybe I have the qualifications already set. I could also be working as a chef peeling potatoes in the kitchen since I have skills out of home ec class. I might have gotten a B from that.”
“But what if… yes, what if the job position requires mandatory training too rigorous for young little Me to deal with? My teeth are chattering and my knees are crackling! Like, I’m talking about months and months of running through dangerous obstacle courses, extensive combat training and especially dealing with a drill sergeant who would make me pitch deaf. I’m gonna have to trade in my raspberry beret for a green one, and my cool street-smart ego as a mercenary in layers of camouflage and combat boots shipped off and deployed to the Congo.”
“My mind needs to be put ‘at ease’ this very instant! I decided to phone in to Jason, but I call him Mister J. He’s my super agent and he’s a well-known TikTok influencer. I asked him to do me a special favor, and he sincerely replied. He’s gonna send me an old DVD copy of a movie called ‘Private Benjamin’ and I’m gonna watch it tonight. You know… Goldie Hawn? That way I know exactly what the Army is gonna know how to handle me. Pretty rough, obviously.”
“Maybe I’ll get a working position as a computer expert in the Army someday, but it won’t be all that easy. I have to go through a big fat job interview before I get even the smallest chance to be hired, and usually more than half of potential employees get rejected because they don’t have the right skills. Or worse, they can’t even act like real people. And, oh brother, I still need to learn new skills! Like, how to effectively go through a job interview by dressing appropriately and looking straight into the eye of the interviewer asking me questions.”
“I could apply for a $100,000 scholarship instead. The Army might not wanna hire school-age kids but they sure have given away plenty of tuition money like that game show where you have to guess seven things that a soldier of fortune must do. Okay, so how do I sign up? I want one!”
“Which reminds me… that New Kids song might have been the perfect anthem for hanging on when life got ‘tough’. Because, let’s face it kids, it’s tough out here! Come to think of it, this song was popular when this mall got built. And my wacky clothes, too! Shoutout to my Aunt Debbie!”
* DISCLAIMER – ‘Melody’ is a cartoon girl crafted by an actual human being using digital technology and created for entertainment value.
All Drawings Created By J. ATWOOD. ©️2026.
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