“I was strolling my way through the park that one Thursday after school, and I met this big boy sitting alone on a bench all emotionally challenged and everything. Looks like he needs some serious motivation. Jones right here with a soda bottle needs a little cheering up. So, I’m gonna step into Lucy’s shoes and give this good ol’ Charlie Brown some highly valuable advice…”
MELODY: “What seems to be the trouble? You’re all down.”
JONES: “They keep calling me Fat Boy and all the girls hate me and all that. One of them taped a sign on the back of my shirt that said ‘Wide Load’.”
MELODY: “Okay, Jones. I’ll stand firmly by you. But first, you have to convince me how to attract girls the right way. Especially much older women who are much older than you.”
JONES: “And what is that?”
MELODY: “Well, here’s what you gotta do. Stop being The Crisco Kid every day by cutting out frankenfoods like red meat, pizza, peanut butter sandwiches on white bread, Jujyfruits, the whole kit and caboodle. Start by eating plenty of fiber. You know, fruits and veggies on your plate at every meal. Also, drink lots of water instead of all that Tab. Now, to reach for your girl, uh I mean goal, sorry, you must limit your calorie intake, walk five miles a day, then report back to me in about a year. Understood?”
JONES: “That’s a long wait! I’m too young to get old! Waaahh!!!”
MELODY: “Long WEIGHT is one thing, Blubba Jones! Being HEAVYWEIGHT is another! Slow and steady wins the race, so stop being a sorry turtle hiding under your shell and hop to it! Good luck! You’ll need it!”
“You know something, friends? I better stop gorging down these triple angus burger meal deals and hire Denise Austin as my fitness trainer or I won’t make it to my bathing suits this summer. Oh, the hectic life of a teenage dream queen! Full of responsibility… AND taking better care of yourself.”
“Hey, I caught this song on playing on public radio this morning! Get a load of this…”
All Drawings Created By J. ATWOOD. ©️2026.
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